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Grandpa…I love you.

We all knew that he was going to live no more and yet, when he took his last breath, we all broke into tiny pieces. His memories flashed in my mind and his last smile to me was painted in front of me. It was just that afternoon that I talked to him and told him that I would come. All he could was give a big smile and nod. I thought I would get to see him, whisper my promises to him and serve him more. But just a few hours later, my Grandmother called.

I was filled with guilt and regret that I couldn’t fulfil his last wishes. I cried even more by just thinking about it. However, a piece of me felt a relief because he had suffered so much. So much pain he endured and yet, he never complained. He bore the pain all to himself and smiled. Smiled because he was just happy to see us. It was as though he would forget all his agony by just seeing us move around and laugh and crack jokes.

But what pained me to know was that, in the end, he suffered a little bit more. I wanted to go to him and feed him, talk to him and hug him but our Lord has His own plans and His plans are always Great. Perhaps I wouldn’t have survived if I saw him like that. Perhaps it was for the better that I was away for a while.

I realized that I didn’t do much for him. I didn’t…

Even though everyone is saying that I have done enough, I feel like I have not. I still want to do more for him…I still want to feed him, talk to him and see him laugh at our jokes.

Grandpa…I love you so much. I really love you and I’m sorry for everything…

I feel guilty because I have a feeling that I might have hurt him or caused him to hate me by doing something which he displeased. And no matter how many good memories of him I try to recall, it’s overlapping with his loneliness that he was living in. I guess that’s what pains me…to know that he lived the rest of his life on bed; unable to go to places that he dearly loved or meet the people he dearly cared for.

I keep telling myself that I’m probably overthinking all this stuff and that eventually, everyone has to die. But like I said, what makes me sad isn’t his death but his memories and his suffering.

I just want to hug him tightly and close my eyes and wish that none of what happened is true. But that’s going against God’s Will and with this thinking of mine, I don’t want to displease the Almighty. I don’t want to say or think that it was His fault that Grandpa died because God gives life to whom He wills and takes away the life of whom He wills of His slaves. It’s life and we must move on. Our Lord is Most Knowing of everything and I’m glad that Grandpa died because none of us could see him suffer anymore.

To Allah we belong and to Allah we return.

I pray that our Lord, the Most Merciful admits my Grandfather into Paradise and Forgives all his sins. And I pray that He forgives me as well for my mistakes and shortcomings and for the things I shouldn’t have said to my grandpa and for the wishes I haven’t fulfilled.

Ameen.

Everyone has given me the task to write the funeral speech for him and although I would be happy to, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to because this is the first time someone so close and beloved to me has died…I don’t even know how or what I’m feeling but I pray that I find a way to cope with my grievances and be a support to my Grandma, my brother who is closer to my grandfather than me and my remaining family members.

I hope I do a good job of writing that funeral speech…I also wouldn’t mind a little help so if you’re reading this post, can you help me? What do I write and how do I write…?

Grandpa…I know you can’t hear me or read this article but I love you, okay? I didn’t say it to you before but I don’t regret it because I showed you my love through serving you patiently. I hope you loved me too just as you loved my brother and I hope we meet again in Paradise.

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